It just makes sense.

I've just returned from Andrew Peterson's "Behold the Lamb of God" concert. The only way I could describe myself in that place was by repeating, "my heart is just so full." All the non-blood related people I love so intensely were there (minus Eric, and a handfull of others, so please don't be offended :)).

While driving back to Lincoln, I was talking with a friend about identity. We were discussing the fact that we are different when we are not at home...it's like we're not ourselves...I am a distracted version of myself. Or, in her situation, maybe it's that she is more herself when she is away from everything and everyone she knows because there are no preconceived notions of who she is, and there are no expectations or pressures of who or what she can/can't be or do.

I don't know if you are following me, but I hope you are (assuming of course that someone actually will read this).

As we continued our conversation, I got to thinking (those of you who know me, know that this really means I got to talking). I was saying how it is always so refreshing to go home, because the people there really know me. After all, they have an unfair advantage since I lived in Norfolk for 20 years, and I've lived in Lincoln less than 2.5 years. And on top of that, in Norfolk we are living life with one another, doing life together; but here in Lincoln, I am literally living where I work and go to school. There is little time or opportunity for escape.

Then I got to thinking about how every time I see my "family" from home, I am reminded of who I really am because they remember, even when I don't. I have loved this season in Lincoln, but when I am here, school is my focus whether I like it or not. This has been a season of preparation. I have learned so much, but now it is time to take what I have learned and put it into practice.

It just makes sense to me that God would have me go back home where people know me deeply and intimately; where they know my passions that are far greater than reaching one campus for Christ...seeing a world transformed because they hear for the first time and "get" the fact that there is an all-powerful God, who I could not even pretend to grasp, who loves them and me for who we are, because we are who He created us to be (well, messy versions...you know, the whole sin thing and all).

So, I think it will be during my next season at home in the community of those whom I love, and who love me more than even makes sense, where God will not just tell me what the next step in life is, but He will be intensely and intentionally training me for what is next. And so I recognize the fact that the next 5 months are not just a time to coast (not that anyone who is student teaching could do so), but it is possibly the most important time in my life where I will have to be the most focused and intentional that I have ever been. It is a place and time where I could easily revert to a going-with-the-flow attitude, but I will have to fight (and have others fighting alongside of me) to use my time, talents, and energy wisely and purposefully while I'm home.

I have been asking the Lord what some of those things are that He wants to develop in me, next semester as I'm home. The very first thing that came to mind is that I desperately need a deeper knowledge and understanding of the Word. When I thought more about this, I realized that this also makes more and more sense. I asked myself why I need a deeper knowledge and understanding of the Word. The answer goes back to my conversation earlier tonight.

The answer:
I need to know who God is. (Why?) Because my identity is in Christ. I was made in the image of God, so to know myself is to know the Image in which I was made.

I need to know what God was about. I was made in the image of God, so to know my purpose is to know the purpose of the Image.

I've also decided that I don't want to take anyone's word on who God is.
[Now before you get upset, realize that I'm not rebelling against good counsel, I am just wanting to get into the Word and see who God tells me He is. I want to let Him speak for Himself. I plan on checking this with those wiser than I who can make sure I'm on the right track and not horribly theologically unsound.] So, I decided to start at the beginning. Yep, I started in Genesis 1. I wrote "God" at the top of my paper. While I read, I am constantly asking myself, "What/Who does this say God is?" Then, I just write it down. I started this last night, and I've already been completely blown away. Once again, the small box I have put around God has been destroyed...blown to pieces. I write the reference in the left margin, then I write the description that comes to mind from what I read (sometimes there are several from one verse or phrase), and then I write random thoughts/questions that I think of in the right margins. If you want to hear some of what I got, just let me know...but I think you should try it for yourself first.

If you're like me, you may want an example. Here it goes:
God
Gen. 1:1
-Already existed and was in the beginning. *What does it mean to "was"...what does it mean to never start "be"-ing?
-Creator
-etc.

Well, now it's way past my bedtime, but thanks for letting me get all that off my chest. I also apologize for all the run-on sentences I use.

***One of the next things I would like to discuss is the Purpose of the Image. (Just in case you were wondering.)

Other randomness: Tonight when I met Andrew Peterson, I realized that he was the first person this year that I have heard say, "Merry Christmas." And I like that.

The end of a season, the beginning of a season.

It's been almost a year and a half since I last posted. I think this is because I felt like I was done with the MJ season of my life, and I thought it would be better to start a whole new blog for what was next. The only problem was that I couldn't ever decide whether I was going to continue on that blog or start a new one, so I just didn't do either. (After all, the blog is called Mexico and Beyond) Then, when I decided to go back to Mexico, I felt like it would be wrong to add to the end of one season of Mexico, but anyway, hear it goes...

I would definitely say that this has been the biggest year of growth for my life. Now that I think about it, I would hope that every year I would be able to say the same. This year has been filled with many new and wonderful friendships, activities, trips, hardships, challenges, joys, heartaches, deaths, hopes, and dreams.

I am thankful that God in His incredible grace allowed me to return to Mexico this summer. I got on the plane to leave for Mexico with a lot of questions and no answers. I returned with several answers, and a whole lot more questions. This was one of the best summers of my life where I met some of my best friends, and my family grew once more. My heart is full when I think of those people. This week 3 of my Mexico Journey family members called me and updated me on their lives, and called to ask about mine. I know that I haven't gone to Mexico for the last time, and yet, I wonder if I will return this year or if it will be in the distant future.

I am home for Thanksgiving break, and preparing to move home in about 3 weeks. I will be student teaching next semester and graduating from college in May. It is so hard to believe that I am basically done with a season in Lincoln...maybe just for now...maybe forever. Every Sunday at Middlecross, I realize that I only have a limited time left there, and my heart aches. It aches every time I think of my family in Neihardt: the amazing RAs and residents who have become my family.

I am starting to realize that there just isn't enough time to catch up with all the people that mean so much to me before I leave. You see, there is a monster that dwells between now and December 20. That monster loves to take up as much of my time and energy as it can, and it is only going to get worse before it is remedied the day before I move home. The monster's name is called School. I love the learning, but I have a hard time when I realize how much time is poured into it that could be poured into people. It drives me crazy if I don't think about it as an investment toward all the people I will be able to spend time with and pour into because of my training as a teacher.

On the other hand, when I think about the opportunity to have another 5 month season in Norfolk, the place I love so much because the people I love so much are here, my heart is full and giddy. I really sense that this is the place to be when I am on the verge of beginning my life as a non-student. Although I love learning and will never stop learning, I will no longer be in school in the role of the student. Norfolk is the place for me to be while I pray and ask the Lord to continue to give me a clearer dream of what my purpose is for Him on this earth. It just makes sense that home is where I have to be to remember and be reminded of the bigger-than-life dreams I once had before I got so distracted by the task of getting a 4-year degree. *Note: I do realize that getting my Bachelor's Degree is something that I needed to do. And the past 4 years have played a huge role in who I am, and have been a much needed season of preparation for the future.*

I have ideas of what I want to do come May, but after reading Jesse and Michel Davy's blog again today, I find myself asking if those ideas and dreams are big enough. So now I am re-evaluating everything. I want to hear the Lord speak to me the mission He has set before me. I look forward to hearing those who know me speak back to me what they see as the strengths He has given me. Not in order to puff up my pride, but in order to develop those strengths and to dream of what could be done for His Kingdom when a 22-year-old girl who focused on using those specific strengths throws herself into developing them as much as she can with a specific end goal in mind.

I thank God that these are the things He puts on my mind and heart to ponder as I look toward the future and what I will do, not just what position I could take to earn the most money. I also thank Him for my amazing family and friends today who have helped make me who I am. I love you guys...you mean more to me than I could ever tell you!